Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Apprehension

I received my ferry ticket to get home today and it's starting to sink in... out training really is nearly over!

And with that comes apprehension. I say apprehension and not worry although I'm not 100% sure if there's a huge difference or not. I know all of Matthew 6 about not worrying and when it comes down to it, I'm really not worried about my future... just a little apprehensive.

I found out that my Sunday placement corps for the rest of the year is a wee drive (3 hour round trip) from College. My initial reaction was not the best but I'm learning to just 'feel the feelings' and move on!! My frustration comes in that I wonder sometimes whether the Army still approach singles with a 'plug the hole' mentality. Was this a prayerfully considered decision - one where the powers-that-be think that this is the God-appointed place for me to be, or was it attached to my name simply because I have no spouse/family to add to the mix and every other corps placement was needed for the families? Does it really matter? God will be in it anyway I know, but I can't help but feel a little farmed-out... and this doesn't exactly inspire confidence for my future appointments.

But then, God will be in those as well so, once again, does it really matter? I'm sure there are other officers out there that struggle with the grey area of which 'orders' just fall into the catergory of having to suck-it-up and follow without entering into great amounts of discussion, and which 'orders' we still follow but enter into a little bit of discussion regarding selfcare... oh I don't know! Is there only one category - just follow!! Real ramblings tonight...

Add to the mix the fact that I'm struggling with a possible first appointment (and I say possible VERY loosely!!) being the Street Outreach ministry I've been involved in over the last 3 months vs corps placement... It's tough to get my head around it all - so after a moment at the beach the other day (one where I came back completely covered in sand I might add! - I'm still finding it in my twice washed ears and scalp!!), I decided not to give it too much more thought.

Some days, corps (church) ministry fires me up completely - especially after days like Sunday! Other times I could easily leave it to another officer! Street Outreach is hard with pretty slow progress most days, incredibly frustrating moments as staff fight the various government systems and yet so rewarding when yet another worker comes off the street in search of a better life. It can sometimes (perhaps even dangerously) feel like real work as opposed to the other. Hmmmm.... I don't want to hide behind what feels like the right kind of work. Who knows where'll I'll end up eh? ...

My apprehension is slowly giving way to peace... slowly!

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