For those of you unfamiliar with Salvation Army ways, we wear a uniform to identify ourselves to the public. Generally, we wear a smart casual version around campus but there are times when we have to be a little more formal - that means stockings, a skirt and heeled shoes. That in itself will have a few of you smiling already as those of you who know me well will be able to count the number of times you have seen me in a skirt on fingers and possibly toes. Stockings and heels however? Even I can count those times on one hand!
Well, day one came around and I was up bright and early to 'look smart' for the day. The stockings became the comedic event of the year!...
Firstly, I'm sure manufacturers purposely shrink stockings by at least 2 sizes purely to make us feel as though we have to get into those puppies otherwise we'll cry our way through the rest of the morning over how much weight we've put on since the last pair!
Secondly, no-one warned me about the nylon burns I would receive on my thumbs if I tried too hard and too fast to just make the suckers fit!
Thirdly, no-one mentioned that you would be extremely uncomfortable for the entire duration of wearing them and that if you attempted to consume food, you would be limited to a small number of delicate mouthfuls or your circulation would cease from the snug waist-band down!
Fourthly, my apologies to all males reading this saga as it is probably more than you've ever wanted to know about stockings. However, I do think you should have just that little bit more sympathy for your other half if they have to live through this nasty experience themselves!
Note to you: Kindly turn the other way as we contort to get them on - Cirque du Soleil would be proud to have any woman that survives the ordeal on a regular basis!
Fifthly, if I'm doing something grossly wrong and this need not be so painful, someone please comment and give me advice!!!Sixthly... someone find the man who created stockings and bring him to me!
Well, with a wiggle in my walk, I finally made it out the door with slightly red thumbs, a rash on my neck from not realising that I could put the badge on before I buttoned my shirt (blond moment that!) and feeling very womanly a good 2 inches taller - even though a mite unsteady! - than my usual 5 foot 4!
Did I provide 'sport' for my neighbours? You decide!
1 comment:
Howde Neighbour
A great use for pantyhose is to save them and use them to catch whitebait, or they can come in handy if your student allowance gets cut and you can use them to hide your face as you rob the foodbank.
Yes there are many great uses for pantyhose, not that I would know from experience as I'm a guy but it can be very funny not telling a Cadet she has a rather huge line or train track running all the way down the back of her leg as she goes walking up to the mercy seat right pass the bigwigs who visit training college hehehe... not that I would do that to you Kuz moahahahaha.
At least you don't have to wear jandles at college aye like they do on da Southside hehe... YUP and they not only wear JANDLES over here but JANDLES and SOCKS, now Kuz, you could start a new trend at college, JANDLES and PANTYHOSE yahaha...
L8rzzzzzzzzzzz
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